Sitting on the floor, playing with his toys, my three-year-old makes the fiercest noises as he crashes his cars into each other. The innocence in his voice and the joy that oozes out of him is captivating. He giggles, gets mad, gets over it and moves on with life.
Meanwhile, across town there’s a seventeen-year-old young man sitting in his classroom processing an entirely different set of issues and temptations. He feels deeper and knows far more than my little three-year-old possibly could.
My oldest son and my youngest son live in the same house, have been raised by the same parents, and are subject to the same set of parenting skills. {Lord help them}
I’m the mom of seven humans. Currently, my oldest is seventeen and my youngest is one. I can confidently say that having teenagers and toddlers at the same time often looks like something straight out of a horror flick. It’s downright scary. Every day I get to hear from my big kids about how I should do things differently, how I could discipline better, and how ‘I should’ so many different things. From disciplining the younger kids to preparing them for their future… My teens are mini experts in all things parenting. Well, not really but they certainly help me see things from a different perspective and through an entirely different lens. I have no doubt, one day we’ll find out we were the stars of a super-secret television series and had no idea how many people were watching. It’s intense reality TV.
I often wonder what twenty-year-old me would be willing to learn from thirty-seven-year-old me.
Same lady, enormous change in perspective.
I was twenty years old when my husband and I delivered our first baby. We had been married two short years and we were poised to march into this parenting gig like the bosses we knew we were. We were going to rock it and emerge twenty plus years later unscathed and ready to show other parents what’s up. We had this parenting thing in the bag.
Well yah… so, about that…
Thirty-seven-year-old me now has a lot of parenting hours under her belt and finally grasps the enormity of raising real life, non-robotic humans.
So, assuming my younger self would glean from the experiences of her older self—Here’s what I’d tell her:
- Your kids were never created to make you look good.
They can’t. It’s not their responsibility.
Remove that thought from your head now because it comes straight from the perfectionism pits of hell. When our kids are babies we ooh and ahh over their milestones. We make a huge deal over how ‘advanced’ our kid is. We drone on about the awards, the accomplishments and all the things that…. well, you know, speak highly of our rock star parenting skills.
Well, if you haven’t already, you will realize that your kid will fall on their face and will inevitably hurt your parenting ego in all kinds of ways. Remember, parenting isn’t about destroying your fragile self or building it up. Our kids’ successes and failures can’t be our source of validation.
- Check your “I’ll never…” hat at the door.
Oh, you know what I’m talking about. We’ve all said it for different reasons and part of us truly believes we have the power to control our young people. After all, we are stinkin’ amazing parents! That’s enough, right?! We say things like, ‘I’ll never let my kid act like that!’ or ‘My kid would never…’ Blah, blah, blah.
Your kids are living, breathing people that will say and do their own things. They absolutely need your studly parenting skills but they aren’t always going to respond the way you hoped they would.
If necessary, read #1 again.
- Rethink the whole “I want to raise independent thinkers” thing— unless you really mean it.
I’m flat out rebelling against this one. I’m rebelling because I’m selfish. I want things to go my way and for my kids to make the decisions I think are best for them. Did you know that independent thinkers have solid opinions… about evvvveryyyyything?
Welcome to the teen years. It’s glorious. It really is. Every single topic in the history of topics, can and will and should and must be discussed. And sweet young momma… let them discuss it and process it and free think the crap out of that stuff and when you’re done discussing it, discuss it again…
And then, refer back to #1 {{{It will be okay}}}
- Your kids really don’t care about what you say, but I guarantee they are watching everything you do.
Everything! You will blow it. Guaranteed! You will freak the freak out and you will do really-dumb stuff. Don’t hide it. Oh, my gosh… Don’t hide it. Process it, tell them you’re sorry, learn from it and move on — together.
Okay, so they do care about what you say. They really do. But more importantly your kids want your actions to model your words.
- Don’t make your kid the top priority every day, of every stinkin’ hour, of every breath you breathe.
Just don’t. Invest in that hottie that helped you make that baby. ‘Hey you, over there… I need you close to me over here.’ Your spouse needs to be your priority. It’s not about anyone ranking over the other but good heavens he misses your hot little self.
I know that all your mom-ness consumes so much of your hot woman-ness, but fight for that fierce-ness inside of you and keep your marriage front and center. My husband and I try to remind ourselves, ‘If we fall apart, we all fall apart.’ So, keep first things first. Your kids will thank you later.
- Remind them who they are.
Without question, they are hearing who they aren’t, what they could do better and who they should be. It’s everywhere, all around them! All…day…long. Home is the one place where life and truth should freely flow. Speak into those areas of strength and pour buckets into their areas of weakness.
If they have crappy behavior and I promise they will — parent through it! Don’t hope it will just get better with time. You set the standard and daily remind them of their worth.
- Don’t freak out about the little things.
Like for real… stop. There will be really big things. Really-huge things later. Save your energy.
Think of those things that you swear your kids will ‘never ever do’ and intentionally prepare and parent for and through those things. Because {twenty-year-old self}, I know you thought you’d never face ‘this’ but now that you are… you are capable of walking through it and your kid needs you through the process.
- Yes, they need to obey you now, because if they don’t, they are learning quickly how to disrespect you later.
I’m not talking dictator type parenting. No one needs that. Nobody!
I’m talking about following through and meaning what you say. Saying, “If you don’t clean up your plate after dinner I’m going to chop off your fingers.” Or… “If you don’t knock it off we are canceling vacation.” Umm, okay. They’re totally going to call your bluff.
Don’t say stuff you don’t mean.
That cute toddler you see now is quickly learning if your word carries any weight. You need to be practiced up and establish clear expectations for when the big things occur.
- Have mercy.
Listen closely… You have the power to make or break your kid. So please, have mercy. Show mercy. Freely offer and model the act of mercy.
“Compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one’s power to punish or harm.” (Webster definition)
Remember you are modeling the behavior you hope to see them extend to others.
- Extend yourself grace and ask for forgiveness often.
You will mess up. You will. Daily, you will say and do {really} dumb things. Be willing to go to your kids (both big and small) and say, “I’m sorry.” Showing humility is without a doubt a behavior you want your kids to learn. You are the best teacher for this lesson.
Twenty-year-old self, with your chipper, perky everything; march yourself into the bathroom, look deep into the reflection in the mirror and say, “I’m not doing so bad. I’m learning and I’m teachable. These kids need me and I’m the best person for the job.”
Whether you are dealing with a spilled bowl of soggy cheerios or a suicidal teen that you are losing hours of sleep over… You are needed. You are irreplaceable in your child’s life. No one can fill the role you were given. No one!
Great content! Very readable! Very useful! You connected well with your audience! I love it that I am related to you. Looking forward to reading your first book.
Thanks Richard for taking time to read. I really appreciate it.