Why #metoo Isn’t Helping

We are in a conundrum. #Metoo was supposed to give women a voice addressing the hurt, fear, and shame hidden for months and in some cases, years. But instead, it’s effectively silenced the other person, which is the other half of the story. We’ve made it okay to publicly accuse with virtually no way for the accuser to prove her claims and no way for a man to defend the accusation. The metoo hashtag lumps all women into the same category. It assumes guilt, it draws immediate reaction, and it wages war before a single fact is presented. It makes no allowance for the general-public to critically think or ask questions. I believe most of the population are gap fillers. We stand for women and men. We want truth, 100% of the time. We want sexual assault to stop. We also want to protect men from false allegations. We are men and women standing together; {Wo}Men doing the right thing.

Doing the right thing requires us to think critically and not rush to judgement. I believe most of us want to fill the gap and help pave the road toward healing. For this to happen, we must ask ourselves, is #METOO hurting or helping?

It’s wrong. Every part of sexual assault is wrong. Once the violation has occurred the victim is left feeling vulnerable, afraid, and a gaping hole is left in its place. Trust once lived in that space but now, she’s wounded and exposed. A little part of her shrinks back and walls are built. She makes sure from that point on, no one and I mean, no one will ever be allowed to get that close again. Her journey toward healing begins. The road is long and the twists and turns along the way are excruciatingly painful but, there’s a destination and every day she takes one step closer. The way she processes and handles her hurt is crucial.

Women are capable of saying, ‘No’ and we say it every day without full media coverage or Hollywood’s endorsement. #Metoo operates on this narrative that women no longer have a voice unless we label the offense, call it out publicly, and make sure everyone knows every detail. It assumes every unwanted advance regardless of the outcome is equal to another. Our voice is more than enough for most men. Most men are not predators. Most men understand the word no. They may take a different approach but, once you’ve made it clear, most men will walk away. Feeling uncomfortable is not assault but, it is a good indicator to leave the situation.

Sexual assault always takes away a woman’s right to say no. It robs her of the ability to exit the situation or make a decision that is best for her own body. When a woman has been violated, she never sees men the same again. She fights an ongoing battle in her mind. Truth is her best weapon and she needs strong {wo}men to stand up and do the right thing. Her fight becomes a little easier and lot less painful when we hear her, sit with her, and acknowledge where she’s been.

Sexual assault is never okay, ever! I want to be very clear here — Forcibly taking something from someone is wrong. Consent is a must. If we are going to stand in the gap between the accused and the accuser, we must begin to unpack what constitutes consent. Here’s where things get sketchy. We all struggle with where the line should be drawn. A make-out session that begins to go too far? A husband and wife? A long term committed relationship? A drunken party? UGH! Every situation is so unique and there’s a thing called ‘implied consent’ that cannot be ignored. I believe there’s base line and standard that is universal. When a man or woman says the word, “No!”— It implies ‘we’re done here.’ Once it’s spoken, it’s sacred. If you move beyond the word ‘no’ assault is taking place. I must emphatically state, anytime a child is used for sexual pleasure, it is wrong. Children cannot consent.

#Metoo has gone off the rails. It started with great intentions but provoked a mob mentality that has proven to be reckless and irresponsible. #Metoo should never be used to build a platform, take political aim, or give anyone the right to cheapen horrific sex crimes. Sexual assault is real, and we are turning women into perpetual victims. Women are being reduced to infancy, where it’s assumed that we can’t think, act, or respond for ourselves. When a man whistles, compliments or even makes a sexual advance, it should never be assumed that sexual assault will ensue or has taken place. Some of our best love stories begin with a man pursuing a woman. He compliments, pursues, is rejected, and goes back in for another try.  A man’s actions or words may creep a woman out; when they do, she has the right and in most cases the ability to never go near him again. Offense does not equal assault. We must never cross the line and claim victimhood or assault where it didn’t exist.

#Metoo should never be a platform to ruin, discredit or trash the reputation of any man. There are good men, who’ve stood and fought a fierce battle to restore the hearts and minds of the women they’re entrusted with. I’m married to one of those men. Most men have been told ‘no’ at one time or another. Honorable men stand up and do the right thing. They do it imperfectly, but I know this for sure; men are not the enemy of women.

When an allegation is made; it is that — An allegation. It’s takes a tremendous amount of courage for a woman to come forward after she’s been sexually assaulted. We owe it to every warrior that has fought hard for truth to make sure we fully vet every story. We owe it to every survivor to stand beside them and demand total truth from all parties involved. When accusations are made, both men and women must stand in the gap between the accuser and the accused, not immediately assuming guilt or innocence.  Standing in the gap means we refuse to allow lies or malicious intent to cross over without fully passing every word, action, and deed through the filter of truth. If there are lies spread with malicious intent, we must be willing to stand with the accused and even prosecute those who knowingly lie and cheapen the stories of actual victims.

We are compassionate and loving toward all people, period. There are real people attached to every story and both sides need to be heard. Their stories are painful and often life altering. There are good men and women willing to stand in the gap and fight for victims by sifting out truth. #Metoo has given a voice to a huge group of women who’ve felt silenced, while at the same time saying all offenses are equal.

Loving people is always more important than loving a juicy story.

#Metoo is important, but it’s not everything. Not every #Metoo story is equal to the next. I still live in a world where truth, justice, love, and forgiveness prevail. Every detail is important and as gap fillers we sit in the muck and wrestle with every story before assigning guilt. We fight alongside victims of sexual assault. We stand for women and men, alike. We stand for truth for all involved.

{Wo}Men want hope and healing to prevail on both sides of the story.